Recovered

.......I've recovered from my fall into alcholism. How is it that family holidays can send us sprialing down into the depths of teeth gritting, hair pulling, drowning in the bottom of a bottle, please just kill me now dispare.

I guess in some ways it's hard to accept people at their level. There are things about my in-laws that just make me go What the Fuck. As Many of you know 3 years ago I had gastric by-pass surgery and have lost the equilivant of a Dallas Cowboys linebacker. (yay me) Now realize my bro in law and my mom in law live 7 (yes count them) 7 houses down from me. So it's not like they don't see us on a uncomfortably regular basis. So you'd think in this 3 years they would remember at least once that I DO NOT EAT sugar, fried food, buffets, high cholestral food and most meat (it makes me puke). But every single time that we go to their house, or that we go out to eat with them, it's always the same every time. All of the stuff that I don't (not only don't but can't my body won't let me) eat, then they get all bent out of shape because I won't eat or if they ask me if I liked the resturant, (when I've sat there drinking just water) and I tell them Hell no I don't like it..I couldn't eat. It turns out to be my fault. ~~sigh~~

Well shit I meant this to be some snarky post about my brother in law and turned into a friggin' rant. I'm starting to sound like a candy assed panty waist whimpy girl.

I'll end for now and try again later.

A Day of Ones

I hope everyone had a Great Thanksgiving and had a wonderful time with yourself or each other.
I'm wore out.....it was a day of ones.

1 Turkey cooked
1 Ham Cooked
1 Pot of stuffing
1 Loaf of Fresh Bread
1 dozen deviled eggs
1 pan of mixed vegetable casserole
1 bowl of jello/whipped cream/cottage cheese salad
1 bowl of mixed salad
1 Husband
1 Cousin with Husband
1 Brother-in-law (driving me friggin Crazy)
1 Mother-in-Law (driving me more crazy)
1 Mother (Driving me even more nuts)
1 bottle of wine drank
1 more bottle of wine drank
1 more bottle of wine drank
1 Kahula and cream consumed because the wine was gone
1 Double Kahula and Cream consumed because the first one didn't quite get it.
1 Hellashious Hang Over currently being suffered.

Please don't get me wrong I love my family...In Laws included...but bringing my mom from the nursing home and she was in one of her moods, so she was needy and whinny, then the mother in law is the very traditional Catholic Martyerisc type, so she was doing the breast beating..I'm such a bad person, bad mother routine all friggin' day. And the Brother in Law is just self centered and selfish. The Husband, cousin and her hubby were the only sanity in the day.

Oh Speaking of Brother in Law....He from hence forth is going to be dubbed PORKER.
I realize that the Holidays are a time of over abundance and to enjoy eating but I think Porker took things just a bit to far. Now remember there are 7 people here eating....But Porker walks in and polishes off well over half the deviled eggs even before anyone started eating. So now everyone else gets like one apiece. This starts out pissing me off right away.
He then gets his plate and loads on 2 very thick slices of Ham, and 3/4 of the turkey that was carved. So Hubby couldn't eat cuz he had to carve more turkey for others to eat. He then took half the stuffing, half the jello salad and 3 slices of bread. In less then 15 minutes he was back for a Leg and Thigh of Turkey and 2 more slices of ham and 2 more slices of bread. Oh yah he's now waxed off half a pot of baked beans as well. In another 15 minutes he comes back grabs another slice of ham and 2 more slices of bread. (Of course every one else has now had to have just 1 slice of bread or half a slice with someone else cuz he scarffed it all down) Then he comes and is bitchy because "everyone" ate the deviled eggs, so I lost it and jumped his shit, and he uses his standard line..."Well I didn't know that was all the food." Bull shit asshole..there are 7 people eating, I made more than enough food for 7 people to eat, but you are so selfish and self centered and spoiled that everyone had to get out of your fucking way for fear you'd eat their hands off.
Arughhhhhhhhhhhh fucking family holidays are the best aren't they?

God I hope my Husband wisks me away to somewhere like Tahatii for Chirstmas.

Hope you all had a wonderful day with your families.

9-1-1 Calls

........You can tell it was Friday night

Call.....My boyfriend beat the shit out of me but I want to go home to him...Can an officer come over and tell him not to hit me anymore? (**Stupid Bitch)

Call....I was parked at the Peter Piper Pizza and left this guy I just met in my car while I ran inside to get something and when I came out he was gone with my car (**This woman needs a seat on the retards short bus)

Call....Send an Ambulance my 16 year old son just zipped his penis up in his blue jeans and we can't get it out. (**Sorry guys I know you are winching on this one)

Call.....We need an ambulance my boyfriend found a syst on my pussy and now I know why it hurts to walk. (**I wanna know how the boyfriend found it and did it pop when he found it....Oh shush you all already knew I was a sick puppy)

Okay the sun is up so it's time for me to crawl into bed.
Night all

As Boring as Burfica

Sooooooooo I've been racking my brain for 3 days for some sort of snarky post, and I got nothing....I mean NOTHING, a big fat ZERO
I'm still trying to figure out what happened to that Harely riding, tequilla guzzling, sex addicted slut bomb I was of yester-year...And now here I sit a professional, driving a consertive SUV and have a Kaluha and Cream every now and again for my "big night out" Gahhhhh what happened?

I can't even share any of the exciting stories from work with you all right now, well because all the good shit is still with the detectives and not for public consumption.

However I do have to say this to all of you. Please look up your police departments non-emergency number and program it into your cell phone and home phone. DO NOT call 9-1-1 to bitch that a stoplight is way to long and you are going to run it if someone doesn't make it turn GREEN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. This is not a valid emergency call. Neither is calling to say your neighbors are having sex to loud and you can't sleep.

However I'm sure the officers were quite thrilled to go tell that apartment that they'd have to tone down their moaning and sexual exploits so the neighbors can sleep.

I was going to go blow up some targets today, but I guess letting the house elf go have boys night out a couple weeks ago is the only extra activities we can afford for now. So being the boring person I am I get to hang out and do laundry, vacume the floors, and maybe watdch a netflix movie...Oh fucking joy...I can hardly wait.

I've got to buy more porn to masturbate to if I'm gonna be stuck at home.

Oh wait...that would entail extra activities, so I guess that's out.

Happy Whatever day this is to all of you.

I'd forgotten

It's been a long time since I've worked in the law enforcement field, and after several years I guess you just forget how stupid some people are.

Yesterday I had my orientation and met most of the day officers and Sgts. Went over to the jail on the tour. At least I remember why I never wanted to be and still don't want to be a jailer. There were 2 guys peeing on the floor and 3 wacking off. And it's only a city jail. Blah

Then you get the idiots that get pulled over on a traffic stop and think they can fool the officer by giving a false name. Like there isn't a nice guy or lady on the other end of the radio looking all your shit up. So yesterday were several arrests.

I start official training tonight at 11pm. whooooooo hooooooooo a friday night after the bars close should be a pretty eventful evening.

I've received 8 of the about 200 manuels I have to read so I've been doing that. I'll be in official traning for the next 12 weeks then on to get all the certifications I'll be needing. I'm really glad I made this move. I'd also forgotten how much I love working in law enforcement.

Hopefully there'll be some good stories after this weekend

Night all..I'm off to bed. No snuggle partners either ~~sigh~~

Last Day

.........Oh stop doing the happy dance, it's not the last day I'm going to be posting on this blog, you are still stuck with me.

It's pushing Midnight and it's gonna be my last day as a Security Officer...Kinda...as the supervisor is trying to get the head of Corporate Security to allow me to stay on one or two days a week. I guess I've made an impression. I'm sure it's my work ethics, my skill as an officer, my sparkling personality, or maybe it's just how my boobs look in uniform. Whatever the reason the supervisor has asked me to call him with my schedule before I even consider turning in my uniforms.

So Thursday is my first day at the new job. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. But you know I'm so perfect I'll just rock at the job. he he

I had very little sleep this weekend. The house elf deceides he's going out with the boys on Saturday night. I worked Friday night midnight till noon, so I was tired. But he felt the need to slam around the house until close to 5:30, I finally fall asleep and for what ever f'ing reason his brother feels the need to call her 3 damn times at 10 minutes till 7. So now I'm up and his brother can't understand why I'm upset.

Sunday the brother shows up just as I climb into bed and thinks it'll be funny to harass the dogs through the bedroom door getting them barking. I leap out of bed, slam open the door and proceed to knock the brother into a wall informing him if he makes so much as a squeek on the floor while walking I will beat him to a bloody pulp. I think he finally figured out I was pissed and sleepy.....DUH

Okay since I'm sitting here blogging naked I better go climb in the shower.
Anyone want to jump in and wash my back.

Things that make you pucker

That would be things other than sour candies, bitter mellons (which my mother in law loves to cook with. Just make me gag and puke at meal times) and the sour apple puckers liquor (which makes you forget things when you do to many shots of this stuff)

.......so anyway last week I'm working, running around pretending to be a real live security officer, and we get a call from the alarm company that we have an unidentifiable alarm going off. So me being miss brave head down to the warehouse, because we've had alot of false alarms (which is the reason we have this group of o'so cute alarm technicians working there but that is a story for another day).
So into the warehouse I go and wander down to the area the alarm was reported from. Nothing, no audible alarms, no smoke, no fire. So I do what I normally do. I find a dark corner and stand quietly for 2 to 3 minutes to just listen. This usually just ends up me standing at a pillar peaking at my watch and listening the moans and groans of the warehouse. 2 am and there's not much to listen to in this place.

About 1 1/2 minutes into my litte routine I hear very distentivaly shoes running across the concrete. I freeze thinking "Holy Fuck did I just fall asleep standing here and dream that?"
So I shake my head and stand there a bit longer and suddenly I hear "shhhhhhhhhh" then "Oh SHIT" and running again. Let me tell you, at 2 am in a totally empty warehouse that will make your butthole pucker up so tight you'll never poop again.
I unassed the A.O. in a pretty quick manner, called the police department and had them come do a sweep of the warehouse with me. We found one door unlocked, in an area we had left unarmed for the contractors to be in working in the next morning. So I'm figuring that some kids jumped the fence and found the door open and I scared them and they ran off.

However that will get your adreline pumping for the rest of the night. Now of course everyone else is saying I heard ghosts so I'm getting quite the ribbing at work. No big deal it's all in fun.

If an alarm goes off tonight however someone else is hauling their ass down to check on it.