Bitter Sweet

4 am Monday Morning I will be taking Burfica, Gigantor and Kiddo back to Arizona.
I've so enjoyed having Burf and the kid here for the summer. It's been crazy, it's been busy, I'm not used to having a child in my house, but his been a great time spending such an extended amount of time with my sister.
Though I'm glad to have the house back with just the house elf and I being able to run around nekid having sex on all the major appliances I'm still gonna miss them.

Also on my way home I'm stopping by Tucson, to help my very best friend in the whole world pack up and move to Alaska. We have just reunited a few short months ago after losing touch for 12 years. I've just gotten used to having him back in my life and he's leaving again. I'm happy for him to be going but again I'm selfish, it's gonna be harder to visit with me in Texas and him in Alaska, but not impossible. We have vowed not to lose touch again.

So alas my trip is going to be bittersweet.
I probably won't be posting for well over a week.
Will miss you all
Hugs

Not Again

Oh good Lord...I got sucked into a false sense of security. We are 4 days until I take Burf, Gigantor and the kiddo home to AZ. Burf hasn't hurt herself to badly in like 3 weeks. The kiddo either.

Sooooooooooo last night we head off to the pool for Burf and I to do water aerobics and Gigantor and the kiddo are going to swim as the kiddo is so proud of having to learned to swim this summer he wanted to swim with his daddy. We are about 5 minutes into our aerobics class and Burf says What the hell.

The two guys have disappeared into the lifeguards room with 3 life guards. So I'm looking thinking maybe they are getting a band-aid or something. Several minutes go by and they don't come out so I get outta the water and wander over there and the kiddo is standing holding a rag to his mouth just crying his eyes out while daddy is filling out some paper work.

Apparently Kiddo wanted to show daddy that he could go under water and touch the bottom and jet himself up and outta the water, a very neat trick by the way espically for a kid that wouldn't put his face all the way in the water at the beginning of summer.
While he was doing this he leaned a bit to much forward and KASLAM his mouth hits the pool ledge breaking his front tooth and bloodying his lip.
My poor little nephew. So today Burf and Gigantor instead of site seeing around Dallas have to go tour the inside of my dentist's office.

That makes 1 ambulance, 1 emergancy room, 4 doctors visits and a dentist visit that they have gotten to enjoy while visiting this summer. I'm thinking they may never come back.

Sigh...the poor kiddo was just doomed from birth, as his daddy isn't the most graceful neither is his family, Burf has 0 gracefullness as do I and nobody in our family is very graceful, so the poor kid was just doomed to a life of accidents, cuts, scrapes, bruises, broken teeth and bones.

Wonder what's gonna happen over the weekend
Shudder

Skanky Crack Whore

Oh good Lord, I could not belive my eyes the other night when Burf, myself, the kiddo and the house elf were at the pool. Burf and I were working our asses off in water aerobics and the house elf was swimming with the kiddo. At the same time the water polo team was in the water practicing. Okay you all have a good visual now. (Please stop visualizing my lose skin slapping me in the back) ((Yes HO you can visualize me naked if you want)

Okay I'm digressing...so get the visual of the pool setting in your mind...Aerobics..swimming, water polo...and in walks this young lady (I use that term losely) wearing a micro mini skirt and a belly shirt. Now I have zero problem with people expressing themselves in most ways they see fit. Even if each of their thighs are the size of an elephant's ass and their face looks like it was drug over hot coals. (Now don't be mad about the elephant ass remark, that's how my thighs look, but girls and boys I'd never be in a micro-mini skirt.)

After several smirks about how she isn't near as cute as she thinks she is, and watching her stand spread legged over the water polo team then strutting around the pool. Several little kids got out of the pool to inform parents that she didn't have any underware on.

Giving her the benefit of doubt, we were thinking well maybe it's a thong and little 12 year old imaginations were running wild. Until she went strutting by the Aerobics section...Oh I don't fuking think so. She was all bushy, then the little skank stands spread legged where the nephew and hubby are swimming. ***

Okay I'm a bit pissy now. What in the world would posses a person to do this in front of little kids? I understand she was trying to take the water polo team home with her for a gang bang but why walk around in front of kids.

Woman was on crank and walked in front of the wrong womans husband and nephew

**Side note..Burf and I allowed the pool administrator one chance to handle the situation. I think he was a bit put off when I told him, either you handle it or I'm calling the cops. We had indecent exposure and lude and luvicios (sorry I can't spell without my penal code book in front of me) behavior. I had no problem calling the cops but since it's school property let the admin handle it. Looks like little girlie has to wait in the parking lot with the other whores now hoping someone will flip her a 20 for a blow job as she's not allowed back in the pool area.

What could be worse

than losing your choclate chip cookie at the bottom of your coffee cup

Daminit anyway

To dive or not to dive

that is the question

I was wondering yesterday. My ears were a mess and I even called the house elf to tell him hunni I'm not diving this weekend.
Now you all know for me to say I'm NOT scuba diving I must be dying. I thought I was, my frigging ears HURT bad. However today they are better so it's off to the lake to help yet another group of new folks become certified divers. Yayyyyy

BUT I do not understand how it is that I always get the difficult student. For some reason the head instructor thinks I'm the one that needs the person that is difficult or I need the child to supervise.

PEOPLE..do I look maternial to you. I think duct tape is a perfectly good parenting tool and that all children should be locked away and beaten until they are 18 or able to earn their first million and take care of me.

So WTF with me diving with the kids. And man they stick to you like glue. I haven't been able to lose one at 100 feet yet. Damnit.

I'm figuring this weekend I either get the little heathen that does not listen to anyone, he is 14 and knows it all.. (Maybe I can ditch him at depth) or I'm going to get the old guy that keeps spitting his regulator outta his mouth. This I don't get either. The regulator is what you breath with underwater...why in Gods name would you spit it out, maybe he thinks he's a fish.
Well wish me luck...hopefully I'll be back Sunday with some semi-balance of sanity and hopefully Burfica and the kiddo will NOT fall down and hurt themselves or run face first through one of my windows, or get stuck in the middle of a tornado.

happy Friday

It's gonna be one of those days

Okay I just got a phone call from some girl of course I answer the phone Scuba Connections...
She goes uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh
Do you guys have and scuba diving equipment.

How the f**k should I have answered that.
I was like well yah kinda like uh uh uh a whole store full of it

I wish I was wittier..I'm sure I could have come up with alot more things to say

bye for now

Bored

I'm bored to tears
Someone give me a topic to blog on.

Quick..and I'll make a post if not you are stuck with me answering you comments with as much snark as I can muster whilst bored.

Snark Alert

Burfica has lost her snarkiness it's cuz she ain't getting laid on a regular basis.

We need to help her...Get snarky not laid, Gigantor will take care of that in a couple weeks.

So lets send out a snark alert and help Burf get her snark back cuz she is boring the hell outta me

I have no life

You know you have no life when your day consists of sitting around contiplating the accumlation of lint you've acquired in your navel.

This is just sad, but let me tell you did you know how much crap you can get in your belly button during the day? And boys and girls since I've had multiple laproscopic surergies and the doctors keep sticking tools into my navel, it's stinky gross. I mean smelly..ick

To much information? Yes...well hrumph I thought you'd all be entralled and entranced to hear about my navel adventures.

So what else can we talk about? hmmmmmmmmm, oh okay, contrary to popular belief ladies, when you happen to get your whooooooo ha pierced, yup that region down there that the boys do so love to lick and slurp on, it really doesn't hurt that badly. (You can trust my first hand experience on this one) However if you happen to get both nipples pierced at one time two things happen, One, you scream (very very loudly) and will chase 3 grown men right out of the tattoo palor with pale faces and two, You see God (right before you pass out from the pain) and He is laughing at you for being stupid enough to pierce both nipples at one time. (Again trust my first hand experience on this one)

Next...no matter what anyone tells you, getting a tattoo hurts. I have 6 of them, 4 of them being quite large and they friggin hurt you all. But I for one think they are worth it as I have some beutiful works of art that are with me all the time. When I get to be 80 they might not look so good but what the hell..I won't give a damn when I'm 80 anyway. I think I'm ready for my next tattoo, I've lost enough weight I think I'm gonna get the F-me tattoo. You know that sexy one on the back right above the wasit line. But I'm not sure what I want yet. I know I want it water related. I'm thinking something with greek mythology. Anyone have any good photos of mythological water scenes out there they'd be willing to share with me as I start the search for my next tattoo? Thanks if you do have them and do share them

Okay that's it for today. I need to go pretend like I'm doing something constructive at work that does not entail drowning my scuba students. (Besides that would make my personal liability insurance go through the roof if I drown one of my students)

Leave me a comment, I need something to read.

Happy Monday and happy belly button lint picking

Nothing

Go figure I got nothing today. Can you belive it. Nothing.

I have deceided that definatly the sexes are not equal, cuz Men are so lucky. And with all the blathering about a woman can do anything a man can do I have to disagree. A man being the lucky being that he is can pee standing up. (However this does not count the time that in a drunken stupor I bet my biker friends, Biker Shawn, Smilin' Jack and Cayote that I could pee higher up on a wall then they could. I don't remember much except for all of us standing at a wall with pants pulled down peeing toward the wall. I either won or pee'd down my leg, it's all a haze so I don't know which it was.)

But back to men being so lucky...when we girls have to pee, we have to take all of our shit apart. Pull down pants or panty hose, underware get all positioned over the seat, sit (or not, ladies have you seen some of the gross things on the seats at theaters) then after doing our business well then we have to put it all back together again, making sure there is nothing tucked into our waist bands like toilet paper or our skits.

However men are not lucky enough to have vaginas and boobs. This however is a good thing as they would be so preoccupied all day just touching and playing with themselves that nothing would ever get done. You know like the garbage being taken out, the lawn mowed. The important things. There would also be huge doctor bills for the whiplash and thrown out backs as they had to stop suddenly to stare at their boobs in a mirror or the back out because they once again were in the position that the dog gets into when they are licking their balls. Of course the men would be trying to eat their own pussies.

See Men are lucky, they can pee standing up and they don't have vaginas or boobs.

I don't want to hear any more griping from the guys...You lucky bastards.

Happy Thursday everyone

Ode to a 9 year old boy

Things I have learned this summer with Lil Gigantor visiting.

I've learned... that a 9 year old boy, glass top coffee and end tables and the word clean do not mix. A 9 year old boy must dribble everything he eats onto the coffee table

I've learned...not to leave a 9 year old boy, a suction cup dart gun and a big screen tv in the same room without supervision. There are dozens of little circle marks all over the big screen.

I've learned...when a 9 year old boy says I'm going to be sick or I have to use the bathroom. It is time to pull the car over RIGHT NOW

I've learned...a 9 year old boy will play video games for 14 hours non stop if you don't make him get off the game and go outside.

I've learned...a 9 year old boy and his uncle house elf love to anounce when they have farted, right before the smell hits your nostrils then both will colapse into fits of laughter.

I've learned...a 9 year old boy thinks it's great fun to come up to you as if to give you a kiss then rip a stinky burp right in your face then will walk off with a very smuge look on his face.

I've learned...a 9 year olf boy, a container of flarp and a blue carpet should not be all in the same room at one time.

I've learned...this morning as a matter of fact, that a 9 year old boy, a left over taco bell burrito and a microwave are a deadly match when he thinks his mommy said to heat up said burrito for 15 minutes and 20 seconds instead of 15 to 20 seconds. Said burrito catchs on fire and makes smoke go all over the house.

I've learned....there is nothing sweeter than the sound of a 9 year old boys laughter, or to have him say I love you so much Aunt Alekx.

I'm a friggin Magnet

Why does every asshole driver out there feel the need over the last 3 days feel the unswerving need to pull right out in front of me when I'm doing 45 or 50 mph and go oh about 20. They have multiple lanes they can go into but feel the need to pull right into my lane no matter which one I'm in. Gawd...I just want to run them off the road, yank em outta their cars, beat them silly then sale the into the underground slave industry where they can do cage fights, be forced into the porn industry or have to be nannys for spoiled movie stars kids. Grrrrrrrrrr and grrrrrrrrr again.

Went to the dollar theater yesterday..by the way this is my newest, greatest find. If you don't mind waiting a month or so to see a movie after it comes out, ALL the good ones end up at the dollar theater...we saw the movie Kung Fu Hustle. OMG what a funny movie. It was a Chinese spoof of several movies. Ummm crap I can't think of the name of the movie, but it's a musical/dance about gangs...I'll think of it when I'm done posting, but it had things like Matrix spoofs, some other real popular movies being spoofed. I laughed till I about peed in the seat. If you get a chance and just want an all around fun movie and don't mind reading sub-titles I highly recommend it.

Speaking of the dollar theater...you all I'm talking all movies before 6 are a buck. After 6 they are 1.50, all day tuesday every movies is .50 cents and after 6 on Friday and Saturday they are 2 bucks. And the movies are GOOD....we've seen the pacificer, Saraha, Kung Fu Hustle, Auther, going to see the new XXX movie. It's so much better than 8 bucks per person at a "real" movie house. And the spice of people at the dollar theater is fun too.
You see folks there that you can tell by the slope of their foreheads that their parents were 1st cousins. Others in gucci suits show up there. And every walk of life in between. It's fun to make up stories about them...not that I would ever talk about anyone. hehehehe

Okay I got nothing of intrest to say today so I'll stop boring you. Besides it's time to go show off my sexy new swim suit at water aerobics. I had to go buy one so Burf would stop laughing at me when the one that has gotten too big keeps trying to show off my boobs. Like flashing. And it only happens when the old ladies are looking not when the cute little lifeguard guys are staring. sigh.....I'm getting old

Have a super-duper day y'all.

Happy Independance Day

First off I'd like to say to anyone that happens by my humble blog (okay so humble and Alekx are not words that should ever be in the same sentance) But in all seriousness, if you stumble by here and are part of the military, or have family or loved ones that have been or are presently in the Military. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all that you do and have done so I may on this day in history enjoy the freedoms I have been allowed because of your sacrifices and dedication to this country and all it stands for.

Now on a less serious note....People I am sugured up like you would not belive. As most of you know I don't do fat and sugar since I've had my stomach literally cut into a one oz pouch. But today is mom's birthday. So this morning off we go over to the nursing home with House Elf, My sister and lil gigantor (the nephew) as well as my neurotic cousin and her husband. With yummy choclaty sugary goodness cupcakes and birthday presents in tow. I ate one of these airy confections and now I'm buzzing like I've been on a 3 week tequilla binge.

It's gonna be ugly when I crash. So don't stand near me with small fuzzy creatures or small children. They might get caught in the after flash.

Speaking of after flash. Went to see War of the Worlds last night. It was actually much better than I thought it would be. Not a typical Tom Cruise movie, and since I'm not really a Cruise fan that was nice it was almost like he wasn't in the movie.

We rented Napolian Dynomite the other day. OMG....gag...that is by far and away the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. And I'm talking it out did Biker chicks in Zombie town and Toxic Advenger. I know I'm gonna catch hell for saying this as many of you have good things to say about this movie. But all I can say, it was like a frigging plane crash. I couldn't look away but it was so AWEFUL...ICKY

Okay my hubby is sleeping peacefully on the couch so I think I'm gonna go **cough cough** wake him up. **giggle**

Happy 4th of July and if you set off your own fireworks please be careful and finsih out the day with all the fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyeballs that you started out with first thing this morning.