It's been one of those days

........so a friend of ours came over to help the house elf put up the cealing fan in mom's room. Now you have to close your eyes to picture this. The friend is 6'8" tall...my little cute house elf is 5'3" so you have the classic mutt and jeff senerio with these two. So here is Super gigantor and baby elf and they are best of friends and fight like brothers. 5 year old brothers mind you.
So here is how the day basically went
Super Gigantor: Yo Fuckwad why didn't you get the fan put together
House Elf: Because asshole it was your turn to do it.
SG: You are such a dipshit
HE: At least I don't smell like shit...
SG & HE: Aaaaalllllllllleeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ME: WHAT
Them: Come tell us what you want us to do
ME: PUT UP THE FAN
Them: OH
This went on for like 3 hours and much to my amazment they finally did get the fan put up with only 3 shocking experiences.
Jesus I should have done it myself it would have been done in like 20 or 30 minutes. You all keep trying to get me to have kids. As you can clearly see by the above conversation I DO NOT NEED CHILDREN. I have a super Giant and a house elf.

Have you ever watched older people at church. You always and I mean always see at least one old guy that is picking his nose and examining what he's found in there. I'm wondering if that is his offering for the week. Then there is always the lady who is WAY over perfumed. Who would allow someone to spray on a entire bottle of Elizabeth Taylors White Diamond perfume and then leave the house. Thank Goodness I don't have asthema or I'd be dead by now. GAWD how stinky can one get.

Alright I'm going to go let the house elf turn me from a grey haired shrew into a hot and sexy red headed vixen.
I need something good to face tomorrow with. The durango goes in for a tow hitch to be put on then joy of joy I get to go have a root canal. If you hear of a dentist being thrown out of window in Texas you'll know he didn't give me enough novicane.

Until tomorrow my adoring public...

Oh Chicken e-mail me and tell me what's up with your computer. I haven't always been a witty writer..I actually have a computer degree...the elf and I will see if there is something we can help you with.

Holy sore Muscles Batman

I told you I'd be griping before long about my workouts making my poor little body hurt. So my arms hurt..my chest hurts, my legs hurt, my abs hurt..but baby it's soooooooo, soooooooo good. Today we went swimming...1000 yards. I crapped out after 1000 instead of doing the mile I intended to do but hey I'm a woman I'll blame it on PMS damnit.

So today I was in a frenzy, clearing out the room that my mom is going to take. I think I found on of those killer sprickets, that or it was a spider about the size of a small puppy dog. Now there is few things that creep me out. But spiders can cause me to scream like a horror movie queen. Gawd I hate creepy crawly things and it never fails the spider can't just go away from me and mind it's own business. NOOO they have to charge me with their little hairy legs up in the air and their huge spider teeth knashing and trying to bite my ass. People I'm here to tell you I have a 3rd degree black belt in size 10 shoe. Now I have to contend with the guts of whatever it was smushed into the carpet. ICK..thank goodness I've obsconded with my brother in law's carpert cleaner.

So tomorrow it's carpet cleaning time, putting up a ceiling fan. This should be great fun since last time I did something with electricity I blew up the main board of the air conditioning. And I'm scared to let the house elf around the dry wall in the ceiling as last time he was close ot it he walked through the ceiling. I still have a hip sized elf hole in my closet.

We also get to have the fun of changing the oil in my car and putting on a tow hitch. Oh I can barely keep in the excitement....yay....

Had to see it to belive it

Several posts ago Burfica over at don't eat the tomatos>>>>>>click on the damn link over there I'm not gonna link it here for you lazy ass people...sheesh....hehehehe..man am I back in form or what.
Anyway Burf wrote about her vortex black hole universe sucking bra..and I was like yah right whatever...Jesus people she wasn't kidding...We've been sisters her whole life and I guess I never noticed how it sucks things into it's depths of cleavage....We are sitting eating dinner and I see food leaping off of her fork ..no kidding it had little parachutes on it..the food that is and would leap straight at her cleavage losing it self in the black hole bra, it was an amazing site.
While we were at the hospital, the 5th floor came up with 2 ventalors, 1 caridaic monitor, 4 small children and a score of interns missing during our stay. I'm waiting for Gigantor to fish them outta the bra. It's just a scary thing.

I lost 10lbs on my 2 week stress filled vacation..Not a way I would recommend losing any weight, but now that it's gone I've renewed my workout effort and I haven't been puking like I was so maybe I can forego the gall bladder surgery for awhile until I get mom all settled in here and GO DIVING IN COZUMEL...Damnit people if I don't get in the water with my scuba gear soon I'm going to have to kill someone..I kid you not...you think Chicken is cracking up just keep me outta the water for another damn month...You will all HATE ME!!! Okay okay breath in....out....in....out....whooooooooo I'm getting a little bit dizzy...ahhhh better...

What was I saying...oh yah I've renewed my workout efforts. I can't belive I let it go for such a long time (a month with out my workouts) after just a couple days I'm feeling better..I did several miles on the treadmill last night at a 6 to 8% incline...Ouch the legs are a bit sore. Tonight was ummmmmm well an alternate workout early if you get my drift...let's put it this way the house elf is smiling, then a later work out on the weights working chest and arms...again I'm sore but it's a good sore..Tomorrow is abs in the morning then the elipitical machine for 60 minutes tomorrow night..That's usually about 15 miles on the machine. whooooo hooooo...Give me some love you all...come one...
Man how come you all make me beg....sheesh just for that I fart in your general direction...

I'll bitch at you all a bit later about how sore I am...
Oh by the way I'm adding some new links over there>>>>>>>>>>If you see yourself linked over there and don't want to be please let me know and I'll take it off. If I forgot you, please let me know that as well so I can add you.
CHICKEN AND KITTEN I'm not taking yours off so just live with it...LOL

What the hell is it with washrags

.......that my dog thinks he needs to sneak into the bathroom and find any and every washrag there is in there and pull it down on the floor, roll around on it and basically ruin it for further use by getting damn dog hair all over the thing. I just don't get it. Of course we all know I have the stupidest dogs in the world but this one is beyond me. It must be something with the smell, for this is the same dog that when I get out of the shower and am reaching for a towel feels the need to rub up on my wet legs. He is either offering to be a towel or just wants me to also smell like wet dog. This always results in having to climb back into the shower to get the wet dog smell off.
grrrrrrrrr...was either the sound that my dogs were making this morning while they were wrestling with each other showing me who the bestest alpha dog was or it was Chicken trying to unpack the killer boxes over at her oh so lovely house by the lake.

Speaking of Alpha dogs...you should have seen the Dr. at the hospital right before my mom was discharged to the rehab place who oh so mistkenly thought he was a alpha personality and who soon discovered I was the real alpha personality in the room. There is one thing I totally can not stand and that's for some asswipe to talk over the top of me when I'm staying something. So in a room full of patients and visitors (there were 2 other patients in my mom's room with multiple visitors) I told this doctor he needed to shut the hell up and listen to what I had to say, for some reason he wanted to move to a conferance room after I locked his heals. If Burfica wasn't so damn short she would have kicked him right square in the knee caps. After a day and a half of his posturing and me and Burfica shooting him down he turned out to be a pretty good guy and did really have mom's best intrest at heart. And it didn't hurt that he was one of those mmmm mmmm good...cute Doctor's that Burfica was talking about...and he had a cute butt too...(opps was that my outside playground voice. that was supose to be my inside Church voice)

I just hate it when someone thinks they are the alpha personality in the room when it's oh so evident that would be me..Do you hear me people...ME....however Burfica did point out that since I've lost the over 200lbs that I just don't have quite the comanding presence that I used to have. I guess I need to carry a much bigger gun on my hip from now on. Just call me Alekx Oakley.

While in Phoenix with my mom...my very bestest bestest friend in the whole wide world drove up to spend a day with me and mom. I just love this guy. We used to be partners when I worked law enforcement. He was a Military Police K-9 narcotics officer and I was contract security police. There is nothing that brings two people together closer than cuffing and stuffing bad guys and putting your life in each others hands when being shot at by same said bad guys. We lost touch with each other for almost 12 years and have just in the last 8 months found each other again and it's like we were never apart. So to see him and sit up all night reminnising about old times sure helped to take a fuck-load of stress off my shoulders for a few hours. B.B. if you are reading this..I love you man..but then you already knew that.

okay my adoring fans I know you missed me more than your can ever convey to me in mear words..but I'm back now..at least until I have to go pick up mom and move her here with me and the house elf..that should lead to lots of blogging topics in itself.
Leave me lots of love in the mean time. oh and if you missed it...there is an e-mail me link over there>>>>>>>>>> no look up..sheesh do I have to do everything for you people...anyway you can leave tibits of adoration here in comments or over there in e-mail....
hehehehehee
Whoever threw that lamp at my head...quit it...that hurts...

A Long 2 Weeks

Hi ya my blogger family and new friends...
It's Monday evening and I'm winding down from a very long 2 weeks. Can you belive it's been that long. Holy shit but I'm exhausted.
Thank you all so much for EVERYTHING, I know I would not have made it through this last couple weeks without so much support, from my family, from the business I work for, friends and all of you, especially all of you that stayed in constant e-mail contact. I wish I could express how much that meant to me. You all ROCK!!

So I'm getting ready to fly home tomorrow. Let me tell ya the house elf is quite happy about that. I think he misses me. :-) Or just the sex..who knows. (I know I miss him for all of the above) giggle

Mom is improving slowly day by day and she has a very good attitude about her rehab so that is very helpful. :-)

It's been intresting to say the least. As I said before one meets intresting people when sitting in a community hospital waiting room. The Arizona Department of Corrections and the County Sherrif's jail all bring their inmates to this hospital. So I look up the other day and here comes a guy in a belly chain with hands cuffed, ankles cuffed 4 officers 2 with shotguns bringing him in. I'm thinking that if he's that dangerous wouldn't it just be a favor for one of those shotguns to accidently go off. (I know someone is gonna bombbard me for that comment, if you are use the e-mail me link over there>>>>>>>>> don't make everyone else put up with it) What can I say if you're that dangerous you should fry.
Then there is the gang members that pop in to either visit their friend that was shot in the drive by shooting or maybe they were the shooters finding out if their target was alive. That was a bit tense. One of the few times I really wish I'd of been packing my own weapon in a hospital.

There was the lady that took a liking to Burfica and felt that she needed to stand so close to her that she was almost sitting in poor Burf's lap. I kid you not this woman would like shove her way over and be right touching almost her belly on poor Burfs face. I personally would have pushed her backwards. I can't stand anyone that close in my space without an invite. Burfica however is the more calm of the sisters and was nice to this woman. I conviently found someone that I needed to call on my cell phone when she started our way. I know I'm a bad sister.

I'm jelous of my mom. The nursing home she is rehabing in is a very nice place. And let me tell ya the day time male nurses and aides...Hubba hubba baby...We are talking some serious eye candy. If that don't get her up and running around the halls of that place I don't know what will. **snicker** I'm turning my mom into a little old dirty lady trying to get herself a boy toy. If she succeeds I'll be SOOOOOO jelous. But not to jelous as I have my cute little house elf.

Okay all thanks again and I'll be back to my blogging self soon. I'll be driving back to AZ in anywhere from 7 to 30 days to do the big move thing. HEY Chicken..you're getting lots of practice right now..wanna come along for the ride????
No???...You are kidding right....you won't help me move....Sheesh....

New Updates

Hey Blogger Family
It's Burfica and Alekx.
First thing we want to do and say Thank you, thank you thank you to everyone those that have become our family and friends through this blogger community that we have and those that have visited because they read else where that we needed prayers. We will both be visiting your blogs when we have some time. But thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Mom is SLOWLY improving we think. She's still listed as extremely critical, and still has in a breathing tube, but she is now initiating the breathing and not the machine. She has had some heart problems and has needed a Kick in the Ass...errr an electrical shock to get her into a normal rythem. As of this afternoon she had another shock and seems to be doing okay between the shocks and the medicine they have her on. The docs are hopeful is she continues at this rate tonight she will be able to have the icky breathing tube taken out. They have told us that it's still going to be a long hard road to haul for her. If she starts smoking again I'm putting her up for sale on E-bay..I'll send you the link to bid if you are intrested.

Sorry need to try for a bit of humor in a stressful situation and the exhaustion is begining to set in which seems to be more fun then tequilla-loratab induced blogging.

Okay speaking of ICU waiting rooms..we were talking about the waiting room weren't we...Oh damnit people just stay with me...My brain is marshmellows right now and Burfica is sitting next to me just giggling away...kind of like that little monkey creature that hung out with Jaba the hut in star wars..you know the one with the insane laughing...
Anyway...at a county hospital you really meet some intresting people. I was in there the other night and this lady walks in, she starts making calls to the Arizona State Prison. I'm thinking..well okay she is having to call into her job letting them know that she won't be into work is her objective...
HAAAA..NOT...she is calling for her husband Inmate so and so...to let him know her mother is sick...well that's okay too....I'm okay but then about 15 others of her family and friends show up...now they are all talking about how they are worried the police are going to come up as they are ALL wanted for different crimes. Apparently one of them was pretty serious as he broke and ran for the parking lot about 90 seconds after he got to the waiting room. I'm thinking..Holy F*#&K as I'm trying to become part of the plaster and hide anything that might indicate I used to be part of the law enforcement field.
I'm not a chicken (no offense my dear Flicken) but damnit you all I was outnumbered and unarmed. At one point a police officer did show up to take away a bat one of them brought in. This was enough to deter them and the waiting room cleared out pretty quickly. And alas I lived through the ordeal. Gawd I wish I had brought my gun...but then the nice policeman would be having a chit chat with me. So as mom improves Burf and I will give you more adventures of the county hospital waiting rooms and wait till we start on the caferteria...BARF.

Again thank you all....it's been a real comfort knowing that there are so many wonderful people out there that don't know us in person but still care.
WE LOVE YOU ALL

Heading to Phoenix

Thanks for the good thoughts everyone.
I'm heading out to Phoenix is afew hours trying to wrap up everything here. I'll be out of touch for who knows how long.
I want you all to know that I appreciate you very much.
You can e-mail burfica or hit the e-mail me button over there and I'll try to get my e-mails peridocially

thanks again.
I'll post when I can to give any updates or you can go to Don't eat the Tomatoes link over there on the side for more current updates

Again I do apprecate you all very much

Alekx

Alekx and Burfica may not post or comment for a bit

Just something quick to let you know that Burfica and I may not post or comment for awhile.
My brother in law who is an EMT heard a call out for the ambulance to my mom's house and ran up there. Our mom is in the hospital unable to breath, with a 104.4 fever and a 195/118 Blood pressure. It's looking pretty bad this time around.

Burfica is in the same town as our mom and is up at the hospital now. I'm stuck in Texas waiting to hear info and will head out to AZ if necessary.

I'll try to let you all know what's going on.

Thanks for any prayers and support offered. I'm going to leave an identical post on Burfica's Blog..

I smite you.....

........Burfica, Chicken and Kitten...My sister and 2 of my new bestest blogger buddies who have been wishing ill fate on my poor little nasaus tummy.
HA I say and HA again. The surgeon called and has said whilst I don't have gall stones I have a ton o' sludge in the gall bladder so he wants me to come in on Monday and we'll discuss when he can take it out.
So there will be no little Alekx's or tiny house elfs running around causing mayham.
**sticks tounge out at all 3 of ya***
I know you 3 were holding a lottery to see who would get to spoil said baby the mostest...and sorry to ruin your fun. But if you want we'll hold a lottery to see who gets the gall bladder in the bottle. Since the house elf really wants to put it on the fireplace mantel I figure I better auction it off here or E-bay.

I wish I had lots of fun stuff to tell you about but the cold came back with a vengance yesterday so I spent the entire day in bed asleep. It was really nice. I got up at 10, went back to bed at 1, slept until 6:30, went back to bed and slept in till 10 again this morning. All that with none of my own home remedies. I HATE colds...I hate not feeling good in general.

On a side note anyone seen the new TV show Medium. I'm still out on this one. It seems like it's gonna be okay..but I'm not to sure. Any imput on what anyone else thinks of it. However if I woke up from a bad dream and there was a shitload of dead people standing at the foot of my bed...I would have number 1 said SHIT and number 2 Shit the bed.
That was my visuals for you today. hehehehe

I think I'm alive

.........here is something to put on your list of DO NOT DO THIS. One do not take a double dose of nyquil, sprinkle on top of that a cup of theraflu then add to that a triple dose of hot tody's (ie Half a bottle of Jack Daniels, Juice of a whole lemon, about 14 cups of honey and 8 tea bags) Listen people by the time the nyquil and the theraflu kicked in the house elf should have never let me near the booze much less in the kitchen where there were pretty flames dancing around on the stove. I could have burnt the damn house down. However I did not set said house on fire, and I lived through my own remidies. (this is why I am not a doctor, though my home remidies are more fun, it's just not safe for human consumption) and now I'm down to just the irriting stuffy nose.
I know this makes you all very happy as now my comments on your blogs as well as my own posts should make a little more sense...Oh SHUSH up Chicken..I heard that.

Speaking of stuffy noses...You ever pondered what you blow your nose into when you have a cold. Some of this stuff is just icky...Klenex...do not buy the generic kind when you are not feeling well. GOOD LORD in HEAVEN I think they put metal shavings in this crap. I have big red welts on my nose. Also while I like the idea of the klenex with the lotion in it, it never fails this particular box hides while you are sick and only sticks it's head out of hiding when you need to wipe off your damn glasses. Have you ever used a klenex covered in Aloe lotion to wipe your glasses off...you might as well just go buy a new pair of glasses because you will NEVER and I do mean NEVER get all those lotioney streaks off. SHIT
Also blowing your nose into dish towels is probably not such a good idea, especially when in a drug induced stupor you hang the dish towel back up for use. The house elf was quite content examining the contents of said dish towel...while he was very amused for several minutes..that's just gross people...what is it with men wanting to look at this stuff...smell it...taste it....HUH just my husband...CRAP..and I'm the one that married him..
Alrighty then....nice visuals I've left you with today...Happy Saturday...

No post today

....well I guess that's a lie since this does indeed look like the new postings page..Damn and damn again
You ever have an itch on the roof of your mouth that only a gun barrel could scratch....alright people settle down already I'm not sucidal..that would deprive me of the fun I have making all your lives miserable.
I just have this wicked cold that snuck the hell outta nowhere and it just feels like if I could blow or chop away the top portion of my head..lets say from the throat up I'd feel ever so much better.
All I want to do is go curl up in bed and sleep for like a month. But alas when you are the CEO of your own business..be it a home based business or some high corporate company, you must treat it all the same, and that does not allow for the self wallowing wah wah shimpering I want to do..so I must suck it up, finish up my day playing scuba nymph put on my suit and go pretend like I am the president of my company (which by the way I am) and make some damn money so we can go diving in Cozumel in Feburary.
However when I get home I'm going to pop high volumes of whatever over the counter drugs I can get my grubby little paws on then despite the warning label I"m also going to consume high ammounts of jack daniels/lemon/honey and tea until I pass out into a semi coma and hopefully by the time I stumble out of bed, that or chase myself out cuz I was to drunk to realize the dream of being on a toilet was indead a dream and then having to change the sheets. Anyway what was I saying
Well whatever it was I'm sure it was charming and witty...hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and acutally be able to post something that makes some iota of sense.
**here's to stumbling off into a nyquil induced stupor***

Feeling so loved and special

....First thing this morning I opened up my yahoo e-mail account and seen that I had 47 new messages...Ohhhhh boy, I have friends, they have e-mailed me..they want to find out how I'm doing..how I'm feeling...what's going on with my life. Yesssssss I'm so excited.
......no e-mails from friends, but OMG something even better, I had 7..count them 7 people who want to make me very rich just for helping them out. HOW awesome is that. Apparently one of these people is from some little backwards country and his uncle the Omar, or the King, or the Supreme ruler of the Galaxy has just croaked, moved on to the next higher plane of exsistance, or is off to invade the neighboring galaxy and has a very large sum of money that only I..yes people you hear it..little old me...can help this grieveing, celebrating, doormat nephew get his dirty little fingers on.
Now all I have to do it give him my bank account information, routing number and all..and he's going to filter a large amount of money through my account, and just for this little bit of help he's going to deposit a whopping one million dollars in said account. Hands clapping...jumping up and down...I'm a millionaire people...eat your hearts out....**sigh*** I can't belive he picked me...It's my lucky day...

On another note...Does anyone know a Man named Alekx...cuz I think I might have got his 40 e-mails...They all seem to be offering a bigger penis in just 7 days...Now while I do love a big penis...I just don't think it will go with the wardrobe I have...So I'm thinking The male Alekx might be wanting me to forward him his e-mail so that he can take advantage of these miricle drugs and enlarge his penis...he's probably very bummed that he has such a small penis and I'd hate to be responsible for his accute depression or **gasp** possible sucide because I have all his e-mail that will allow him to rectify his miniscule member disfunction.
OH Shit you don't think the Million dollar offer was for him do you. I was so excited I was going to be a millionaire...Do you think I can pull off that I'm "that" Alekx and still get the money by helping this poor boy get his hands on his Uncle's Money.
Party is on me folks.
Ummmmm I problaby need to stop popping the cold medication huh...

Ughhhhh

Unfortunatly This
seems to be a favorite with the guys at the scuba shop this week

Chalk one up for the ladies

Okay ladies. I have scored a hit for all of us. The beginning of this post is about bodily functions so be warned.
Last night while we were driving home, of course the house elf gets a case of the toots. Not any ordinary toots mind you, but the kind where green goo starts dripping off the interior of his vehicle, the kind chemical warfare suits were created for. The silent but deadly fart..only his were not silent and not only were they deadly they could span the area of a small nuclear explosion. I look over at him in disgust as he gets this sheepish little smile and goes..but it snuck out hunni....this was cute the first time he said it...however the 12th or 13th time it was no longer cute and I was leaning out the passenger window gagging and puking as green vaporous clouds were escaping into the stratosphere. My God what do men eat to make them smell like that.

....well I got even with him. I guess I ate something that upset my little tummy (go figure with all the problems I've had of late.) So I'm snuggled up in bed with all the covers pulled up nice and tight...the elf walks into the bathroom to do his nightly ritual...you know...poop, pinch the love handles as he stares in the mirror, brush the teeth...well while he was doing this I had the worst rotten egg smelling couple of farts. Which I deceided to trap under the covers. He comes into bed and rolls over to snuggle up to me at which point I trapped him beneath the covers with the smell. Oh girls to hear the retching and cussing you'd of thunk I took away his favorite remote contorled car (that by the way he terriozies the animals with)...I felt quite satisfied that I was able to chalk one up for the ladies.
>>>>I know I know it's quite sick and twisted, but hey it's me in all my glory. hehehehe

Yesterday was the sonogram, the technician said she didn't see any gallstones. CRAP...I'm now waiting for the surgeons office to call to see what the next step is going to be. I'm so tired of being nasaus or throwing up all the time. I've got no energy and even water makes me feel like a dog pissed on my head. I'm at the point of telling them to take out the gall bladder anyway to see if it helps. I'll wait to see what the cute little Dr. M says. I think all his patients have a crush on him. You don't think my feeling bad is a ploy to get to see him do you. Nahhhhhhh it's really not sexy for the cute doc to see you naked...sprawled out on an operating table with tubes and stuff sticking all over you. Kind of ruins the mood. However the voyer in me jazzes on the nurses and surgial team watching...
Opps sorry was that my outside playgroud voice. That was suposed to be my inside church voice.

Okay I know I said this before....

....but what the hell is it with drivers at 6 in the morning thinking that they can actually multi-task while driving? I had to get up at 5am so I could drive over an hour in the downpouring rain into Dallas. So that's two things making my morning bite, 1 getting up at 5, I do not like getting up that early in the morning, then 2 having to drive to Dallas. Because Dallas drivers SUCK. Okay so it's dark out, it's raining so hard out that even I am slowing down to drive safely, when right in front of me is some stupid crack whore who thinks she needs to put her make-up on while driving. WTF I ask....SO being so early and I couldn't stop for a cup of coffee (nothing to eat or drink from Midnight on), I tailgate this woman. Finally the stoplight comes, it's red. Now she is really going to town, sun visor down, staring in the mirror putting on mascara, the light turns greeen and she doesn't move. YUP I laid on the horn then go whipping around her, being very nice showing her my middle finger in a gesture that said the light is green. I hope she shoved that damn mascara brush right in her eye.
Okay Alekx...breath in........out..........in.............out..........in............out...........oxygen is our friend.

I got home from the sonogram test (they can't find anything wrong with the gall bladder so still no answer to the constant puking) and the house elf is home from work. Said he had the day off today. He's feeling quite amorous...well not even romantic...he wanted that hot pig sex...you know the kind where you are just rooting around and squealing. It made for a nice morning interlude.
HOWEVER....guys let me give you a little piece of advice, when you are being romantic and going for that hot monkey sex and you deceide to rip off our underware...well ummmmmmmmm first you know how your briefs will hold together with a couple stings and the elastic, well guys the elastic on a womans underware is made of the same kevlar type of material, so if you are going to rip off a womans underware, be sure it's already torn. Otherwise you are going to grab our panties and give it a good yank thinking it's gonna be all hot alike in the movies, and the shit is just gonna streach out about 3 miles, giving us the worlds worst snuggie, then when you let it go it's going to hit about 310 miles per hour snapping back against our skin, now making us scream in pain, leaving several bruises and welts that looks like we've been expermenting in a bit of S&M. This most definatly puts us outta the mood. You are trying to be hot but only acomplishing that you are yanking on our underware.
Nuff said....You know me I'm always trying to do my best to help all my blogger buddies.
Happy first Monday of the New Year

You ever look in the mirror......

........and think...Gawd what happened to me I used to be kinda cool.
Now here it is New Years morning...2005, By the way HAPPY NEW YEAR and I'm standing here looking in the mirror at a 40 something year old wondering what the hell happened.

I used to go out on New Year's eve dressed in leathers riding my Harley, hitting the bar only to slam many, many shots of Tequilla guzzling beer to chase the tequilla down with. At the end of the night drunkenly parking the Harley on the bar's dance floor (no drinking and driving no matter how young and stupid) and then being poured by the bucketfuls into the evenings desiginated drivers vehicle only to end up at an afterhours party doing yet more shots, more beer and the ever inviting magic mushrooms (that is a post for another time). Waking up on New Year's Day with my forehead pressed against the very cool porclin of some strangers toilet, wearing some guys underware and wondering where my bra went. :-)
Stumbling outta the bathroom in search of more tequilla, coffee and cigrettes, then in a hung over state picking up the Harley from the bar and riding in the open wind for the rest of the day (what a great cure for a hangover)

The woman staring out of the mirror at me this morning was in bed by 11, after having spent the evening putting away Christmas decorations, with a groggy head from the painpill buzz of the night before taken to try to chase away the pain in the gall bladder and the tooth needing a root canal. People...what happened to that leather wearing, tequilla guzzling, harley riding sex kitten of 20 years ago. Where did she go?
But damnit I look sexy in my neoprene wetsuit and very stylish Black Pearl Regulator with my hair floating straight up above my head when I'm at 100 feet playing with fish. I do look sexy right????? Anyone???? Alright damnit I'll pay you to say I look sexy....Sheesh